"Ex" Files (8/10/05)
My fiancé is a warm, loving, fun person BUT I am suspicious of his relationship with his former girlfriend. A friend of mine told me she saw the two of them having coffee together and they appeared very "friendly." He later told me about it (after I asked). He said it was nothing but my gut tells me something else. I'm tempted to hire a private detective to get some real answers. After all, we are about to share a lifetime together. Zelda, I need your HELP!
Spare your gut, and save the "wrenching" for fixing those downed lines of communication. It can only mean disaster when gale-force winds from a category-five ex-girlfriend show up.
Your fiancé needs to realize that by telling you he met her after the fact, and only when you asked him directly about it, his actions have risked blowing the shingles off the rooftop of your solid relationship. He should be your shelter and your safe place. Instead, he chose to be sneaky, and opted to take a spin in the tempting winds of a seductive cyclone while sampling the fruits of slow-roasted Arabica coffee beans at YOUR favorite Starbucks.
Don't waste your money on a private investigator. This is NOT the proper protocol for people in love before they get married. If you don't trust him enough to tell you the truth to your face, you should ask yourself some hard questions about your impending nuptials. Without this mutual respect and trust, lies begin to fall like golf-ball-sized hailstones, denting and pummeling everything you believed to be true. The last thing you want to do is add to this atmosphere of deceit by hiring someone to spy on him.
But is it okay for him to lap up lattés with his ex-girlfriend, playing in the muddy puddles of "remember whens," while you are frantically locking doors and closing shutters to a broken heart?
I SAY NO.
Be strong and be tough. But have enough respect for him to talk about your concerns honestly. To reduce your risk of a full-blown relationship "power outage," grab your galoshes, slap on your slicker, and sit him down on some higher ground. Be open, listen to his side of the story objectively, and watch carefully. If it's truly love and respect you both share, those misty, water-colored memories will roll out, jealousies of orbiting exes will subside, and honest feelings will shine bright, free from "hurricane hussies" of any size.
Now, I may not be able to predict the weather, but I'm forecasting clearer skies with a gentle breeze of better understanding...
Come rain or come shine.
I need your help! I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about two years. However, I recently ran into my ex-girlfriend. She is now constantly emailing and calling me, trying desperately to get back together. I really love my current girlfriend, but find myself drawn to my ex. What should I do?
Dear Two Confused,
Two years...two girls...to these two ears it sounds like it could be a little too much. To get to the square root of this byzantine relationship we're going to have to break it down to the sum of its parts:
Is X + U > Y + U, or vice versa?
Study hard for this one, because it IS a test. No slide rules, no calculators, and definitely no looking at your neighbor's paper. You have to figure this one out on your own by dividing, multiplying, subtracting, and adding memories and moments, both good and bad, to ensure that you have the right formula for an outstanding relationship WITH a common denominator. But before you go gallivanting off with an old flame, just remember that the food always smells better in another dog's bowl, that fantasy relationships with forbidden fruit are often just that, a fantasy, and that the reality may end up reminding you why you broke up in the first place.